I’ve Been Left Off My Friends’ Group Chat

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

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Dear James,

I have a group of friends who used to work together, and our friendship has happily continued even though we’re no longer at the same company. At a recent get-together, however, I accidentally found out that there’s a group text thread, and I’m not on it. Based on the group chat’s title, I believe that it started when we all worked together, when my friends were involved in projects that didn’t include me. As a fully grown woman, I feel like this shouldn’t bother me. I’m still invited to get-togethers. And I know, logically, that it’s not like I’m being purposefully kept off the chat. But I can’t help feeling sad. Growing up, I often felt as if I didn’t fit in, so I’m sensitive about being forgotten or left out. I’m so happy to have work friends who have become real friends, and I have no intention of saying anything. But I’m hurt. How can I soften the blow of feeling excluded?

Dear Reader,

This is why I have a flip phone.

This whole bloody, tingling plexus of hyper-connectedness from which—if it fails us, if the right person doesn’t instantly get back to us saying precisely the right thing—we suddenly feel ourselves expelled like Lucifer from heaven, kicked out, falling, alone, the crystal towers receding above us as we plummet through the abyss with our feathers starting to smoke and crackle … It blows my mind. We seem to have invented a completely new way to be miserable. Or a completely new way to get in touch with a very old way of being miserable, which is what your letter is about.

The pain of being left out: How to manage it? I applaud the quality of your self-talk. You’re telling yourself that you’re an adult, that no one’s trying to hurt you, that there’s a non-catastrophic explanation for why you’re not on this group thread. And I know that sometimes none of that works—you just have to sit there with that sad-child feeling. It will pass.

Last thought: Maybe take a moment to reimagine your friendship with these people, to see it as a set of individual relationships rather than as a single, mainline, all-or-nothing attachment to the group-as-group. Because groups are always leaving people out, in one way or another. They can’t help it. It’s what makes them groups.

Pecking out texts to myself,

James

Dear James,

My 24-year-old stepdaughter, who lives away from home and whom we rarely see, asked to be included on our holiday card. We pay for all her expenses—including the therapy she goes to many times per month—except for a small amount of rent and the maintenance on the new car that we bought for her. Yet she is disrespectful and rude to us. She is also obese and slovenly. I have no desire to include her on our beautiful holiday card. Should I reconsider?

Dear Reader,

Yes, you should reconsider. Your stepdaughter is reaching out, asking to be included, and the fact that you find her too unbeautiful to be photographed alongside the rest of your family—well, that might have something to do with her being in therapy. You’ve got an opportunity here to improve your relationship with her. Take it!

Sticking up for stepdaughters,

James

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